Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship

Harlan Cohen on friendship, social courage, and finding places where you belong.
Finding friendship—at any stage of life—requires the risk of hearing “no.” And that “no” rarely comes directly.
That’s one of the ideas I dig into with Harlan Cohen, a New York Times bestselling author and founder of Best First Year, a college success coaching program for students and parents. So much of what Harlan teaches incoming college students and their parents applies just as much in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond. This episode was so popular last year that I was waiting for the right time to play it again. The week I'm dropping off child #2 at college is the right time for sure!
If you’re starting over socially, hoping to expand your circle, or just tired of feeling bruised by the ups and downs of friendship, this one’s for you.

We get into:
Why taking risks and hearing “no” are simply part of friendship at every age
The difference between an expectation and a requirement in friendship
What to do if you’re always the one initiating plans—a popular topic on Dear Nina, and Harlan’s answer was fantastic
Harlan’s framework of "people, places, and patience"—and why we all need places where we’re accepted simply for showing up as ourselves, with no barrier to entry
The story of Harlan’s first college roommate and the twist he didn’t learn until 30 years later

LINKS & RESOURCES:
Harlan’s College Success Coaching Program Best First Year
Harlan's episode with his freshman year roommate
You will love Harlan on Instagram and TikTok and YouTube!
 

MEET HARLAN COHEN:
Harlan is the New York Times bestselling author of The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into In College and six other titles (over 1 million copies in print). His social media accounts have over 1.5 million followers and he hosts the popular podcast, The Harlan Cohen Podcast. He is the founder of Best First Year, a college success coaching program for students and parents. Harlan lives in Chicago, Illinois with his wife and three children.
 

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify
📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina
🔎 Information on any upcoming "Dear Nina Live" events
🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!
📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack
❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group
📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question
📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com
🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Special thank you, as always, to my assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs!

Friend groups, exclusion, conflict, and the patterns we don’t always outgrow

Some friendship habits start much earlier than we realize. The way we react to being left out, how much security we get from being part of a group, whether we avoid conflict, and even how willing we are to be vulnerable with friends can all have roots in our teen years.
My guest Sheri Gazitt has spent more than 30 years working with teen girls and their parents. She’s the founder of Teen Wise and the author of Girl Drama Decoded: Empower Your Daughter Through The Ups & Downs of Girl Drama & Friendships. What struck me throughout our conversation is how easily the friendship issues she sees with teenagers translate to adult friendship.
We spoke about the difference between being deliberately excluded and simply not being invited, why being part of a friend group isn’t always the same thing as having close friendships, and what Sheri calls creating “parallel friendships” instead of putting all of our social energy into one group.
We also got very practical about conflict. Sheri shared a four-step approach to having a difficult conversation with a friend, including one step I especially appreciated: considering whether there’s any part of the situation you need to own yourself.
And we talk about what can happen after friendship disappointments pile up. Sometimes the way we protect ourselves is by keeping future friendships at a safe, superficial distance without even realizing we’re doing it.
This episode is useful whether you’re watching your own teenager navigate friendship or recognizing some very familiar patterns in your adult life. The good news is that these are skills—and we can keep getting better at them.

MEET SHERI GAZITT
Sheri Gazitt is an international friendship expert, speaker, and founder of Teen Wise. With over 30 years of experience and a background in counseling psychology, she’s helped thousands of girls navigate friendship struggles, social anxiety, and the emotional ups and downs of growing up. She’s the author of Girl Drama Decoded and supports moms through her Mom Wise Collective while also working directly with teen girls through private coaching. Coach Sheri is known for making complex social dynamics feel understandable and giving families practical ways to build confidence, connection, and healthier friendships. Find Sheri on Instagram @BeTeenWise and on Facebook.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify
📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina
🔎 Information on any upcoming "Dear Nina Live" events
🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!
📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack
❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group
📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question
📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com
🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Special thank you, as always, to my assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs!

Alcohol is so woven into social life that choosing not to drink can change how you spend time with friends, which invitations come your way, and what you begin to notice about the way you connect.
My guest, Suzanne Warye is the author of The Sober Shift: An Empowering Exploration of Sobriety, Parenting, and the Joys of Alcohol-Free Living and the host of the popular podcast The Sober Mom Life. Suzanne's decision to stop drinking was not a “rock bottom” story. She could drink moderately, but she hated how much mental energy alcohol took up in her life as well as the after effects. Once Suzanne stopped drinking, she had to figure out what friendship and socializing looked like without it.
In the episode Suzanne and I spoke honestly about the friendships that remained strong, the friendships that faded, and the hurt of being left off an invitation because someone assumes a sober friend would not want to come.
We also discussed learning to sit through the first awkward minutes of a gathering without numbing your anxiety and why Suzanne’s standards for connection changed once alcohol was no longer the main event. We briefly chatted about THC drinks and gummies, phone use as another form of escape, and motherhood and “mommy wine culture.” And we talked about what happens when you start wanting your time with friends to feel more present and less "numb."
 
Past episodes related to this one:
#17. Friendship and Sobriety: Jen Veralle
#130: The Sober Curious Lifestyle and Your Friendships: Hallie Sawyer
 
Meet Suzanne:
Suzanne Warye is a sobriety influencer and the host of the popular podcast The Sober Mom Life. Residing on the North Shore of Chicago with her husband and three kids, Suzanne spends most of her time reheating her coffee and rocking her “whole heart, half ass” parenting philosophy. Her new book THE SOBER SHIFT:  A Modern-Day Guide to Living an Abundant Sober Life is currently available in hardcover, audio and e-book and the paperback will be available on Sept 29, 2026. To connect follow her on Instagram @suzannewarye or visit www.thesobermomlife.com 

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify
📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina
🔎 Information on any upcoming "Dear Nina Live" events
🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!
📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack
❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group
📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question
📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com
🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Special thank you, as always, to my assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs!

I’m fresh off the "Dear Nina Live" event in Minneapolis to celebrate five years of the podcast. And after such a big week, I was ready to step away from my computer for a bit. So I said yes to mahjong (twice!), tennis, a walk, and time with friends. It was exactly the reset I was looking for, even though I'm WAY BEHIND on work now.
This short episode is a reminder to get out from behind the texts, emails, memes, and endless to-do list and spend some time with your friends in person. Say yes when you can, or make the plan yourself, and remember that even a walk or a cup of coffee counts. It can be that simple--short and sweet. 

And to everyone who came to the event in Minnesota--THANK YOU! 

LINKS MENTIONED:
Here's a 30-second reel of the live event in Minneapolis to celebrate 5 years of the podcast.
My spot on Twin Cities Live!
 
ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify
📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina
🔎 Information on any upcoming "Dear Nina Live" events
🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!
📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack
❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group
📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question
📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com
🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Special thank you, as always, to my assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs!

To mark five years of making this podcast, I invited the person who has heard every episode, encouraged every new idea, and occasionally reminded me to follow my own friendship advice. Welcome to my husband, Bryan!
Bryan hasn't been on Dear Nina since the first year! I brought him back to talk about what has surprised him after five years of listening to conversations about every aspect of friendship. He shared the theme he's been noticing beneath the friendship dilemmas: two people do not want the same type of friendship.
We also talk about one of the messages Bryan has heard me repeat the most: If you want to see a friend, reach out. Don’t sit back, keep score, or “match their energy.” That doesn’t mean giving everyone the same amount of time or continuing to chase people who never respond. Bryan puts it another way: Go where the heat is. Pay attention to the people who are glad to hear from you and who return your efforts in their own way.

We discuss:
Why uneven desire is behind so many friendship questions that come my way
Why Bryan believes “don’t wait” is some of the most useful advice from the show
What to do instead of "matching someone else’s energy"
Why electronic contact cannot fully replace phone calls and time together
A past episode that changed how Bryan thinks about what we give to a friendship
The friendship struggles I still have to work on myself!
Why couple friendships work best when both partners help keep them going
How Dear Nina grew from an advice column and listener letters into conversations with authors, researchers, therapists, and other friendship thinkers

A special thank-you to my brother-in-law, Dave Dluger, who helped me produce and edit the earliest Dear Nina episodes and convinced me I could learn how to make a podcast. And thank you to my assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs, who has become an essential part of nearly every podcast decision, guest conversation, and episode idea.
Listeners: Thank you for rooting for this show, sharing episodes with friends, sending your questions, and talking with me about friendship for so many years. This podcast would not be here without you!

Links mentioned:
Episode #24: Maintaining Boundaries Without Damaging Your Friendships (with Bryan)
Episode #37: The Benefits of Couple Friends (with Bryan)
Episode #9. Friends Will Hang Out Without You: (with Taryn Kessel)
Episode #73. I’m Just Not That Into This Friendship: (with Ruchi Koval)
Episode #139: How to Start a Podcast

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify
📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina
🔎 Information on any upcoming "Dear Nina Live" events
🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!
📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack
❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group
📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question
📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com
🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Special thank you, as always, to my assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs!