DATE YOUR WIFE

This week’s Date Your Wife podcast comes to you via the White’s actual Date Night where Garrett and Danielle explore the topics of conflict and avoidance inside their relationship. They reveal patterns and behaviors that did not serve them for years, which could have led to the demise of their marriage were it not for an ultimatum and decision during a huge argument – which ultimately created an opening that changed the trajectory of their marriage. .  Every week married couple Danielle K and Garrett J White share insights and perspectives from within their own lives regarding the following topics discussed each month: Week 1: Sex Week 2: Money Week 3: Parenting Week 4: Communication In This Week’s Podcast…Communication Point #1: People Pleaser or Conflict Avoider? Danielle believes women typically aren’t people pleasers; they’re conflict avoiders. Women are so afraid of confrontation that they always try to make peace. “But ultimately it’s not because we’re trying to please people,” offers Danielle, “it’s because we’re trying to avoid conflict, which later on actually causes us more harm.” QUESTION How does this play out in your marriage? Point #2: On the Hunt As Garrett reflects this topic of conflict, he realizes that “Danielle is a conflict avoider at the highest level. If you go through what has happened with us in the past seventeen years, she has NEVER been a conflict person.” “The only way we could ever have a real conversation was if I brought the collision to her, and then inside of it, I would actually hunt her down and force her to have a serious conversation with me.” QUESTION Who is typically the “hunter” inside your marriage? Point #3:  Hot-Headed When men become hot-headed inside of a conversation, many women refuse to continue on with that conversation, thus making it appear to the men that women are in this place of avoidance. From Danielle’s perspective, “Women recognize when a conversation/argument isn’t in a logical place and is going nowhere. When Garrett flips his lid, and I feel like I can’t reason with him because the conversation is not in a healthy place, I will refuse to continue, knowing that in this state, nothing is going to get solved. QUESTION Who is typically the hot-headed one in your relationship? How does this affect your communication? Point #4: Initiate or Avoid? Garrett admits being more emotional than Danielle, and one who is desires to get into a fight and collide. Speaking to Danielle, “You were never an initiator of any type of hard conversation. Your mode was to just swallow it, ignore it, reframe it in your mind, let it go and move on…and pretend like it never happened. Danielle: I was avoiding confrontation, and was thinking, “Oh, it will go away, it’ll quiet down. I also came to this place where I didn’t know how to have direct conversations with you. QUESTION Inside conflict within your marriage, who typically avoids, and who typically initiates?” Point #5: Therapy After six years of behaviors and patterns that were not serving the White’s, everything came to a head one afternoon during a huge argument in their kitchen where an ultimatum was issued by Garrett: Either we’re going to therapy, or we’re done. Danielle: Going to therapy, we both had a logical sounding board to hear one another’s feelings. It helped me open up and communicate better, and I feel like Garrett was able to go deeper into the story or conflict without hitting his tipping point. QUESTION What has been your experience inside the conversation of therapy? Communication Challenge: Have a conversation around the topic of “Avoider or Initiator.” Date Night Topic: During Date Night, have a conversation about the possibility of inserting Therapy into your lives. Quote of the Week: “Therapy gave us a better chance to pull off conflict and be in a conversation that would require both of us to own our shit.” — Garrett J White “In relationships, I think we argue to be right, not to get what we want. I think we both realized that there’s submission in getting what we want which makes us less willing to be right and more willing to get what we want.” — Danielle K White  

With shots of tequila in their system and amidst the flirtatious back-and-forth bantering that easily doubles as foreplay, the White’s jump into another episode of the Date Your Wife podcast with a conversation around Garrett’s favorite topic, Sex. For the new listeners, Danielle explains QQP (Quickie, Quickie Pornstar) and they have an honest and revealing discussion about keeping married sex spicy. *This is an encore presentation of a previously recorded episode. ________________________________________________________ Every week married couple Danielle and Garrett J White share insights and perspectives from within their own lives regarding the following topics discussed each month: Week 1: Sex Week 2: Money Week 3: Parenting Week 4: Communication   In This Week’s Podcast….SEX Point #1: If You Don’t Mop the Floors, Somebody Else Will Danielle:  Many women approach sex with a   “let’s just get ‘er done” attitude. If guys go long enough with only a simple clean up job, they’re not going to be satisfied. Garrett:  Danielle’s sex game in the last six months has gone through the roof. As a woman, she has literally blown my mind. QUESTION Where has mopping the floors in your marriage gotten you? Point #2: Avoiding the Shithole of Married Sex Danielle:  Sometimes you have to act the part and play the role during sex. Entertain that idea and have fun with it. Just because you’re laying there with your legs spread open doesn’t mean that’s attractive. When you’re married, if you expect to have that chemistry and spark, play the fucking game. QUESTION What is the condition of your sex life? What are the facts? Point #3: Girls Just Want to Have Fun Danielle:  I’m happy that my man is fulfilled. When you have fun with sex, your man is feeling fulfilled. It’s fun for him and it’s fun for you – it goes both ways. Pretend you’re dating and ask yourself: How would I act? What would I do? Even after years of marriage, it becomes fun to entertain that thought and go with it. QUESTION Ladies, how do you feel about yourself when you just let yourself go and have fun? Point #4: The Sex Game Garrett:  Many men have this faulty understanding of sex. They want to have a sexual connection with their wife and they think that making money and investing in the children will get them that. At the end of the day, she wants sexual connection but she also wants something else – she wants attention. If you give that to her, she will support you in the sex game and it will bring your marriage together. QUESTION What are you expecting from your wife yet at the same time are neglecting to give her?   Point #5: Patterns Garrett has this pattern of putting the girls to sleep and engaging in their nighttime routine, while Danielle professes that she’s not a very routined mom: “Brush your own teeth, say your own prayers, tuck yourself in.” Garrett : There’s a lot of dad-guilt that comes when you work a lot. I do spend time with the girls in the mornings but I find I sometimes use them as an excuse to not have to be intimate with Danielle at night. QUESTION What patterns are in need of changing in order for you to make more time with your spouse? Communication Challenge: Gentlemen, if you want your floors more than mopped, what are you doing to create the environment for your wife to want to  shine  your floors? Date Night Topic: Have a conversation about patterns that you see in your marriage and what you can begin doing today to change a pattern in one area of your life that will benefit your marriage.   Quote of the Week: “The moon was out, the doors on our deck were open, and it was “Go Time.” –Garrett J White “In a relationship, if you say, “I don’t want to [have sex],” it’s honestly like starting a new workout. Put in the work now and eventually it gets easier. Before you know it, it’s actually kind of fun.” –Danielle K White __________________________________________

As a  couple-on-the-go, co-hosts Danielle K and Garrett J White, delve into a topic that, at first glance, might appear to be in the oxymoron realm. However, in classic White style, Danielle and Garrett deliver insights and experiences that uncover what might be one of the most important things you will ever do as a married couple: go through your Divine Divorce in order to find your Divine Destiny. Every week married couple Danielle K and Garrett J White share insights and perspectives from within their own lives regarding the following topics discussed each month: Week 1: Sex Week 2: Money Week 3: Parenting Week 4: Communication In This Week’s Podcast…Communication Point #1: Divine Divorce Leads to Divine Destiny There are times when couples are in the midst of great chaos and find themselves knocking on the door of divorce. Because of this, most couples concur that there comes a point in their relationship where they must choose all in…again. Garrett: Although we didn’t get a divorce, there was an emotional separation that took place. We were functionally disconnected, meaning, we were very good at being disconnected. There came a time when the inevitable moment of decision presented itself where we had to make a choice. QUESTION What has been your experience with knocking on the door of divorce? Point #2: Am I With the Wrong Person? The IDEA of a relationship that is in continual bliss and always on fire is evident in the highlight reels that are plastered all over social media, giving others the impression of a fairytale happily-ever-after marriage. This is total bullshit. Garrett: There’s a moment of the Divine Divorce where you as a couple begin to drift but it’s actually setting up the next chapter of your relationship. Danielle: We kept looping back to the same arguments that never got solved, which had me wondering, “Am I with the wrong person?” QUESTION Is what you’re posting on social media a true reflection of the state of your marriage, or is it drenched in hopeful bliss and fantasy? Point #3: It’s Just How It Is Garrett: The vast majority of couples that I meet and connect with inside Wake Up Warrior and BMS are operating in very minimal sexual connection, very minimal emotional and spiritual connection, and are surviving. But the challenge is, they don’t even know they’re surviving. The belief is, “This is just how it is.” If you surround yourself with people who have this belief, it’s not until something traumatic happens where it begins to expose how shitty things really are. In our marriage when the money disappeared, that is when the chaos of our marriage was exposed. QUESTION Where in your world do you have the belief of “it’s just how it is?” Point #4: From Divorce to Divine Divorcement The reality of how people show up in marriage is quite alarming to Garrett. Inside of many relationships he is connected with, he has witnessed many couples where both people are out of shape, they don’t go out on dates, there is no seduction or flirting, and they are in the managing and survival mode. Then they get a divorce. “What blows my mind is the transformation that begins taking place AFTER the divorce, where they blossom into this entirely new person. Instead of having to get divorced, what if you could literally go through a Divine Divorcement?” QUESTION If on the verge of divorce, what would be possible inside your marriage if you considered the possibility of creating new patterns while remainging married? Point #5: It's a Choice Garrett: No matter how powerfully connected you feel to who you are and what you have, the next version of your relationship as a couple is impossibly held hostage by the current constraints of what you believe is possible today. No matter what state your marriage is in today, there’s another level calling you. And in order to get to that next level, there’s a Divine Divorcement upon you. Divine in the sense that God, through the gift of agency, is giving you an opportunity to choose. QUESTION What are some of the limiting beliefs that are holding your marraige hostage? Communication Challenge: How are you choosing to show up in your marriage? What are you choosing to divorce? Without the divorcement and without the decision to do it, nothing is going to change inside of your relationship. Date Night Topic: Have a conversation about the things that attracted you to each other inthe beginning of your relationship. How those have evolved and changed over time? What are some things you can do now to create new chemistry and excitement inside your relationship? Quote of the Week: “There’s a new destiny on the other side of divorce. Divorce is simply choosing to do something different; it’s the laying down and putting aside of that which is old and not working, for something that is new and can work.” — Garrett J White “People underestimate the small consistencies daily that create a big win in life. Stay committed, be patient, and kick your husband in the ass every now and again if he needs it.” — Danielle K White

Today’s conversation inside the Date Your Wife podcast centers around the importance of adding people to your team and features two surprise guests who shed some additional light on this subject. It’s never a dull moment with the White’s as they navigate the ever-changing waters of marriage, family, and business, aka The Trifecta of Insanity. Every week married couple Danielle K and Garrett J White share insights and perspectives from within their own lives regarding the following topics discussed each month: Week 1: Sex Week 2: Money Week 3: Parenting Week 4: Communication In This Week’s Podcast…Money Point #1: Babysitter, Nanny, or Home Manager? The first addition to team Garrett & Danielle? The important position of a Nanny/Home Manager, whose role is  very  different from that of a Babysitter. It’s vital to get really clear about the roles, compensation, and expectations of each of these BEFORE you add them to your team. In a cameo appearance, Bailey, the White’s twelve-year-old, clearly defines the distinction between these roles. “A Nanny/Home Manager is full-time and committed, works a lot, and actually likes the kids. They manage the household, the workers, and run errands for the parents. A Babysitter is like, “I need you to go to bed while I’m watching the Bachelor.” QUESTION How would bringing one of these on board change your family’s life? Point #2: Does Overcompensation Lead to Entitlement? Whether it’s your place of business or home-related, overcompensating can lead to behaviors and feelings of entitlement, something Danielle and Garrett have first-hand experience with. Adds Danielle, “If you overcompensate people, it builds a lot of entitlement. They start creating stories in their mind where they can’t see anything else; they start painting you as the bad guy, and collect evidence to back those stories.” QUESTION Where have you experienced this as either the one  feeling  entitled or the one  witnessing  it? Point #3: House Cleaner When adding a House Cleaner to your team, a couple of key things to consider are 1-trust and 2-being comfortable with leaving a mess and not feeling like you have to clean up BEFORE they arrive. Getting  really clear  on the role they are going to play is of utmost importance. What do you want them to do? What  don’t  you want them to do? What do you want your Home Manager to delegate to your House Cleaner? It’s up to you to communicate clear directions in order for everything to run smoothly. QUESTION How has having a House Cleaner on board improved your life and/or your relationships? Point #4: This is a Man’s Job Danielle grew up with a father who was always hands-on when it came to building, repairing, and handling big and small jobs around the house, something she expected Garrett to automatically take on as the “man of the house” after they were married. However, it didn’t exactly pan out the way she expected. Garrett decided he would take on the responsibility of caring for their pool to prove to Danielle that he was a “man,” but when his plan went sideways within the week and the pool was filled with moss, it was clear that some things are best left to the professionals. QUESTION What do you automatically expect your husband to do because it falls under the category of “that’s just what men do?” Point #5: Let Go in Order to Grow Garrett: “As I sit here and look at the unit that has become the idea of family, just like an entrepreneur looks at their business and realizes he cannot do it by himself, that he must let go in order to grow, I’m going to have you consider that inside of your family life it’s no different.” “As you and your partner become more and more successful inside of the game of business and life, it’s actually selfish for you to continue to play the game so small. In order to play bigger, you’re going to have to involve more team members.” QUESTION If you were to look in your world right now, where is the one place in your life where you could bring someone on the team who could free you up so you could actually do the things that matters? Communication Challenge: Have a conversation around this topic: It’s ok to bring people on the team to accelerate your marriage and your family. How do you both feel about this? Date Night Topic: Entertain the idea of creating space inside your team for a Babysitter, Nanny, or Home Manager and get really clear about the details, expectations, and compensation. What would that look like for your family? How would that clear up space for more family time, couple time, or alone time? Quote of the Week: “You cannot build a family without a team. It’s difficult, if not impossible to build your marriage and family to ultimately become what you want it to be if you’re trying to do it alone.” — Garrett J White “To women, let go. Test it out for a couple of months and just what happens. See if it makes an improvement, see what opens up in your relationship with your kids and your spouse. Could you find something else fulfilling to put your time towards?” — Danielle K White  

During their flight back to Orange County after an amazing Valentine’s Day get-away weekend in Cabo San Lucas, the Whites suddenly find themselves headed back to Cabo for an emergency landing. While other passengers are scrambling, angry, and upset, Garrett and Danielle get to work creating new possibilities in the midst of the chaos of their current situation. Every week married couple Danielle and Garrett J White share insights and perspectives from within their own lives regarding the following topics discussed each month: Week 1: Sex Week 2: Money Week 3: Parenting Week 4: Communication In This Week’s Podcast…Communication Point #1: Arguing With Reality Garrett and Danielle watched as men and women became panicked and angry about the flight. Armed with their demands and frustrations, fellow passengers stormed up the escalator to the Alaskan check-in desk scrambling to be the first in line to yell at the girl behind the counter. Garrett: I spent most of my entire life freaking out about shit that I couldn’t control, trying to force things to be different than they actually were. Although I still do this, it’s significantly less than I’ve ever done it before. QUESTION How do you handle the unexpected? Point #2: The Ocean Always Wins As you look at reality, it is what it is. During Garrett’s first week of surfing as he was trying to fight the waves, his coach turned to him and said, “The ocean always wins.” “You cannot control the ocean, you cannot control the water, and you can’t out hustle the waves. The only thing you can do is deal with whatever the ocean is giving you”. QUESTION How can you relate this to situations in your life? Point #3: Change Your State It’s Danielle’s belief that women tend to cause a lot of unneeded stress in their lives, which not only affects them but ends up spilling over into the lives of their spouse and children. Danielle: The more you learn  how  to change your state, the faster you can do it. Ask yourself: What is the lesson? What is the direction I am supposed to be going? When you look at things with that perspective, so many things start to open up for you. QUESTION What can you begin doing to change your state of being before things get out of hand? Point #4: The Crazy Game of Marriage Garrett: Marriage is crazy. You have two individuals who are evolving human beings; two people who are challenging the way they think, challenging the way they believe, challenging the way they conceive marriage. All of these are constantly moving. We want things to constantly evolve and change because we demand variety in our lives yet on the flip side, we get completely pissed off about the fact that things  are  constantly evolving and changing. QUESTION What is your experience with this as a couple? Point #5: Let Go & Be Open Garrett: I operated most of my life trying to force things. This situation at the Cabo airport would have been something a number of years ago I would have lost my mind over. Now, it’s almost as if the Universe has orchestrated this just for me. Danielle: Whether it happens on purpose or not, you can’t fight what is so you might as well enjoy where you’re at and see what opens up while being in that space. QUESTION Where in your world have you seen a shift as you have begun letting go? Communication Challenge: Have a conversation about the things that drive you crazy about each other yet have turned out to be the other’s greatest strengths and assets. Date Night Topic: On your Date Night this week, talk about the Crossroads and Turning Points in your relationship. Quote of the Week: “What I’ve come to realize is, everything I’ve wanted Danielle to change has become her greatest asset. Her greatest strengths have become the things that drive me fucking nuts.” — Garrett J White “There’s a lot of power in letting go. As you let go, it allows you to live life to the fullest. There’s a difference between disconnecting and letting go. In letting go, you’re still there but you’re letting go of the  forcing  of whatever you’re trying to do.” — Danielle K White